zushi's place

Today I was thinking about the various people who published their CVs of rejections out there, and it makes me wonder about something.

I know a lot of people who have anxiety around failure and rejection, and it's common advise to say that we shouldn't let them affect us because it isn't a reflection of who we are, but I don't think that advise is a strong enough treatment of rejection sensitivity.

The way I think about it, being sensitive to rejection is a natural condition of our ancestral environment. When we historically only lived around Dunbar's-Number amount of people, a single rejection would and should hit hard because there were likely only 3-4 opportunities out there for most people, and repeated rejections by many people are costly because it deals a reputation blow that paradoxically makes future opportunities harder.

One theory of depression and frustration advanced by Dr Randolph M. Nesse in the book Good Reasons for Bad Feelings is that it causes us to re-evaluate our situation and to give up on the current approach, not through explicit re-evaluation of situations, but through making it really, really emotionally tough to want to try again. This is more reliable than simply making us reframe the challenge because it is more guaranteed to produce a behavior shift.

However, the problem is that this tendency is often too drastic of a solution. The correct response to an academic rejection in modern society is usually not “don't apply to schools altogether” but “apply to other schools”. But many modern institutions are disincentivized by legal reasons to avoid giving reasons an applicant wasn't selected. This lack of feedback turns the emotional reaction that would have been “thinking about how to improve things next time” to “frustration and thinking about giving up”. We see this type of negative emotional process again and again when failures don't come with negative feedback (and this is part of why failing in videogames usually feel much better than failing IRL). Our intuition detects an environment where “you will fail for reasons unclear to you”, and defaulting to frustration and depression is the natural way to pivot us away from the problem domain altogether. In this academic case and many other modern cases, this instinct is subconscious, automatic, and completely maladaptive.

How does one deal with the legal/emotional structures of a modern world that is misaligned with our natural instincts?

I think unusual structures do requite some sort of unusual solutions. And I think often these types of solutions are what we now commonly witness as modern stress-coping responses: – Compulsive shopping – Video games – Pornography – Substance addiction – Aggression

Sites on Rejection Sensitivity Dysmorphia often suggest medication as a way to combat rejection sensitivity, but I think barring actually pathological cases, I'm hesitant about this. Ideally, we want to search for something sublimating if possible – one that takes mal-adaptive instincts and utilize them for adaptive purposes. I think that in order to counteract how unusual our modern world is, this practice would necessarily look a bit intense or extreme or unusual, and I honestly think that the best ones I've found so far are meditation, art, and exercise.

That is, I think to deal with the unusual amount of modern rejection we face, we should try to project our depression and frustration to as much meditation, art, and exercise as possible. This (other than having an unusually good time with friends, which is one thing I'm still trying to figure out how to do) is the one way I can find to sustainable escape the modern conundrum of unaligned incentives and stress.

One line from Attack on Titan I always found interesting was the idea that “everyone is slave to something”. Characters that appear larger than life in that show often had some internal obsession that's pushing them to have inhuman willpower, even when those obsessions are not necessarily perfectly altruistic. I think that beyond all, cultivating this sense of unnatural obsession may paradoxically be one way to live naturally in this unnatural world, full of bizarre, unusual, and crushing rejections.

— Categorized under: #psychology, #sociology

Recently I've felt some anxiety towards going back to work, which has been interesting to reflect back upon.

While at Fractal, I've met some people who seem very brave to me – they are willing to forego conventional job opportunities to pursue things with very low odds of success/impact like starting their own classes.

When I ask them about how they found the courage to do so when they could have gone for very high-status things, they would say that if you think about it, failure doesn't say that much about yourself.

I agree with this on a rational level, but find it hard to square with on an intuitive level. When I asked them about this, they said that “surrounding yourself with supportive people” helps a lot.

Thinking about my recent mindset, I do think this latter explanation has a lot of truth to them. When you interact with a lot of new people (for me, this seems to happen recently in the context of dating), they tend to use employment as a judge of your worth. This doesn't happen when you are usually in a supportive community. I find that when I prioritize interacting with new people, my anxiety goes up accordingly.

What this provides at least, I think, is a tool to help deal with anxiety. If you believe that your community are essentially the correct one, then hanging with a community with aligned norms will help you with the unusual status signals of the real world.

But I think the question this begs is – what is the correct way to look at status? I'm not sure the broader population is by default “correct”. It is just the most popular option currently. And I think that defaults towards “correct”, but is not necessarily always so.

I have some ideas as to ways to look at this, such as the psychological health, connectedness, and the diversity & representativeness of the population composition of the community, but it's something I may want to save for later.

— Categorized under: #interactions, #communities, #sociology

by Freepik

One tiny thought for the day.

When hanging out with friends one on one, I tend to be somewhat attentive to how the other person feels and do things to actively counteract low mood if they have it.

But I wonder if it's better to just do what gives me good mood and have that influence my friend in a contagious way?

This begs another question – how can you cultivate the ability to feel positive moods (the type that's contageous) more of the time?

Imo most people are pretty bad at this, and I feel like there's some genetic component to it as well, but I do think it's possible to practice this, I'm just not super sure how, and not sure that I've seen people write about how to do it either.

It's strange to think that I do a lot of emotional self-introspection, but haven't really found how to do this, but I want to learn!

— Categorized under: #interactions, #psychology

i had a weird half year.

in a few days it'll be six months since i've moved to new york. in many ways this has been an educational experience, and i intend to stay here a bit longer.

i learned a lot of things in the past half year, but at the same time it also feels like... not much? perhaps i get stuck too much. anyways, i've been reading a lot and thinking about my experiences in the past half year. there's too much to write all about while moving, but here's an attempt to capture some of it, just so that they're not floating around me all the time.

friendships: – you can still make friends – people seem to want to be your friend – but you can also be incredibly awkward around some people, without a good reason. i think this happens when i'm stressed and thinking about other things all the time. – i don't reach out to old friends enough – i need to make more male friends – even though i've had hundreds of friends, people continue to surprise me with how different they are. maybe there are ten thousand archetypes. – i use social media and discord too much in lieu of interacting with real people, and it's had some real detriments. – beware of anything that gives a social sense without actual social interaction – friends are drawn to people who provide value, which is... ok – entertainment and meaning are not orthogonal – go for entertainment foremost when meeting new people – when you feel socially bored, go meet real people. let's plays make you lazy – stress makes you unfun to be around – play with other people's bits – play out the bits longer – go on adventures with people, even if it's a walk around, just being a room sucks – spend more time around people and you'll usually like them, and they'll usually like you back, it just takes time

living – living near a community is important for me – i could still improve a lot about living by myself – sometimes it takes time, but i can cheer myself up – i fall into maladaptive habits sometimes, and perhaps i need to journal more to catch myself doing this – running is pretty much always worth it, even if the road is terrible – you get used to bad roads – you let small roadblocks get in the way of larger decisions – i need to figure out what to eat consistently – i need to eat clean – don't move too frequently, it can get tiring – ask local people for recommendations – i can procrastinate hard – working out can help with burnout – turn off twitter and community discord during the day, instead just meet up with people – don't use tech to meet needs that are decidedly not tech – periodically check for the above point – journaling helps! – a good work desk is important – work environment matters a lot

fashion – good fits take time to develop – thrifting is hard – develop a few good fits for important occasions – have a few fits in mind to save time – have a system for organizing your clothes – you are drawn to fashion – people who like fashion can eventually be drawn to you – good fashion looks bespoke, but is worth it for your top few fits – i need to figure out how to tame my air – hygene – donate your old clothes – invest in accessories – the clothes you take with you to shop is important – 10/10 fits are probably unsustainable – if you can have around 4 9/10 fits, then you are set – fashion has diminishing returns after – keep working out for your body posture

dating – hedonic treadmill is real, both in terms of who i look for and how much id like out of a relationship – i'm not giving people enough chances – i don't really know how to escalate? – tinder is not really for me – i get too easily attached sometimes – you grow reattached to people too often, sometimes distance is good – its good to take breaks and just focus on friends sometimes – sex is weird – it's a long road – women generally seems very passive about taking next steps, so you have to initiate often – get used to talking to strangers – american dating is extra weird, you have to understand the framework – don't talk to too many people at once – get better at talking to new people – get better at impression management – its a bitter fruit sometimes – do stuff you like to do anyways – help the people you want to meet to find you – get some better pictures, see fashion. – i can't easily make myself like someone – the more im around a person the more i like them usually, but this is very time consuming – the best way is to create a community of people you like – sparks are an evolutionary tool

work – work/status connection is a huge thing – i'm avoiding asking myself important questions about work. need to spend 10h on this.

best, z

Today is my last day in the room that i affectionately call “the small tree room”. It's a back of of an apartment building with direct access to a pretty courtyard that i could walk around in. Tomorrow i move to a room that's largely unfurnished (but which i have a blank canvas to design as i want). However, i think i'll quite miss the small tree room.

What i've found in the month i've been here is that walking in nature is incredibly healing for me, and it has an incomparable effect on my mood and productivity. i remember that whenever i read about well known musicians and thinkers, they always seem to take walks in forests everyday. now i know how they feel. i've noticed too that for the effect to be most pronounced, i must have IMMEDIATE access to nature, which can be challenging to deal with.

I'll be saying bye to the small tree room for the foreseeable future, but living here has taught me a lot, i'll miss it.

I hope that in half a year or so, i'll find another spot like that.

z

Had a hangout with a friend yesterday that went below expectations. Thinking about why today.

One of the things I want to calibrate on myself is whether people who go to hangouts are more interested in entertainment or conversations. My experiences along this realm actually surprise me quite a lot. I used to think that I'm on about the 80th percentile for interest in deep conversations over entertainment, but based on my interactions I might adjust this to be more like 98%. Which is to say that what I perceive as a good balance between entertainment/introspection are way too much introspection for most people.

As another factor, I think people are more open to introspection at some times, but your have to read that signal correctly. A person who's tired is less open to introspection and more open to high-energy experiences.

introspection <–> chill <–> entertainment consumption <–> adventure are all valid and different modes that you should be able to recognize and transition seamlessly in and out of. I'm pretty bad at reading these signals and should vibe better.

There may also be a point when people get tired, read this correctly and end the hangout right there. Overdraining the hangout is really bad.

Another thought: what if the person you are hanging out with doesn't play along with the prompts you give out? I think to a certain degree you need to be able to fully have fun on your own (and this is something I'm still working on) to be happy in most situations. This requires a pretty high bar for positivity and sense of humor that I'm still cultivating.

An important part of the sense of humor is prolonging the bit. I think in that particular interaction, there were many opportunities I had to prolong the bit but didn't notice them before they passed. Jokes are rarely hilarious just on their own – a large amount of context needs to be construction. I think that for this reason, I should learn to pursue the bit in an improvisational fashion and see where it goes.

Epilogue:

For some reason I always feel bad when a hangout doesn't turn out well! But I do pretty much feel better after a day, and I found that living by a community, it usually happens faster (otherwise, maybe a day and a half). I should keep in mind that anytime I feel bad, I usually feel better after a day anyways. I feel lucky in that my mood setpoint is decently high right now.

Part of it too is that I wonder how much am I responsible for the results on a hangout? This one isn't a date, but certainly in a dating context people assume that you are solely responsible for the outcome. I think it's slightly unfair, but I don't think that that's awful either, since cultivating fun vibes I'm trying to learn how to better do anyways.

So in summary: – Lean towards entertainment/external-experiences by default – Extend the bit – Observe their signals, maybe even ask directly what they feel like doing. – End at a good point – Cultivate fun on my own – Don't feel bad, you'll feel better after a day anyways.

That's it for today. Until next time!!

— Categorized under: #interactions

The Mechanism of Dreams

I didn't feel inclined to consume media yesterday but consumed some anyways to move away from CBD. Had another long, drawn out dream last night, completely unrelated to the media I consumed yesterday. It was about doing a small river boat tour with some friends.

One thing I noticed with CBD-induced sleep is that there are no dreams. Perhaps this makes sense to some degree, media consumption & life experiences often leads to dreams for me, and I have a feeling that I'm waking up early prior to CBD because there is a part that looks for narratives and didn't find any. This either leads to discomfort or a faulty algorithm that causes me to wake up.

CBD-induced sleep feels like it skips this altogether. There's a sort of dizziness that CBD creates that makes my thinking process fuzzy and induces artificial tiredness. For some reason I get no dreams on it. It's something I didn't notice until I started dreaming again. I wonder if these vivid dreams from the past few days have been me finally processing that backlog of dreams. It certainly explains the complete lack of interest in narratives recently, and the intensity of these dreams.

Dreams as Guardian Angels

My favorite function of dreams have been their guardian functions. I've had quite a few dreams that does one of 1.) warn me against a future threat, 2.) prepare me for grief, and 3.) indicate to me when I am currently stressed. I find 1.) and 2.) particularly salient. There are times when I unconsciously gravitate toward life decisions that probably won't work out in the end, and dreams have sometimes been ways to bounce myself out of that. I'm pretty thankful for it. I think that this is another good reason to skip on CBD.

The Prolonged Aesthetics State

One thing I notice when I fall low on sleep is that aesthetic things (particularly music) become much more salient to me. I can't help but stop what I'm doing to appreciate music. This is distracting but also fun, I guess a part of life in that sense.

Sometimes I wonder if music is a way for me to make up narrative content, but this seems untrue. Music consumption does not improve sleep for me, and you would think that with the lack of dreams on CBD music would have become less salient for me, but they've become more.

What music DOES correlate with is the lack of cardio. I find that not running increases my artistic sensitivity & perfectionism tendencies (e.g. OCD). Along that veins, it might even increase anxiety. Music are particularly aesthetically beautiful things and may appeal to my heightened artistic sensitivity at that state.

Is not running good for my creative process? It does improve quality in detail-oriented work, but I think it may be bad for creative thinking. At least in non-artistic realms of my life, I find that not running causes me to fixate on unimportant life decisions.

These are my notes on CBD and sleep currently. I may have some more to write, but a part of me also wants to summarize some thoughts about social interactions yesterday, so perhaps I'll write more about dreams later.

— Categorized under: #dreams, #sleep, #productivity

This one is going to be a short, slightly-disorganized one. It's more of a braindump of a checklist.

Recently I've been pretty curious about what about introversion goes away after an introvert knows someone for a while. It's well known that most introverts turn into extroverts around people they know, but what precisely about the relationship has changed that allows people to talk to people they know with ease? If so, can you accelerate the process and become easy to talk to even for new people?

It helps that I'm an introvert as well, and here are the draining things I came up with and a list of ways to deal with it, in order of most notable to least:

Introversion: – Trying to figure out how to continue the conversation – Managing others impression of me, because it is unstable during initial encounters – It's a lot of information to learn about a new person – Trying to understand who they are – Long conversation might be default have low valence – Dislike covering the same topic over and over again – Want to avoid appearing as boring – Prolonged conversation is slightly boring – Didn't get to talk about what I want to talk about – Anxiety about whether they will like me – Wanting validation – Figuring out their humor style – Figuring out what is politically ok to say vs not – Not sure how much trust to place in them for vulnerability

Solution: – Don't worry about what they think of you – Figure out what they want to talk about, ask questions they would be intrigued to be asked – Pay full attention – Do not judge – You need to be interested too to be fully present, find that common ground – Break up the conversation to fun topics sometimes, or punchuate with humor – Have lots of things to talk about, optimize for mentioning things they can ask questions about – Give them context about yourself, lots of details – Avoid commonplace topics if they seem bored. But such topics can be slightly good if they are tired. – Allow them to be fully themselves – Validate parts of it that's hard to understand for others – Be open to light joking and teasing

This ended up being a huge list that's difficult to start with, so I would distill the top 6 down to the following: – Don't judge and don't worry about being judged – Optimize for interest on both sides – Pay full attention – Find ways to have fun!

On the first day I stopped using CBD for a few week or so, I had a dream that told me in no uncertain terms that I'm heading again towards a spot that I'm really, really, really uncomfortable with. Easily one of my worst experiences in the past year, and would love to avoid seeing again.

There's something that this is making me reflect a lot about. It may be good to avoid using CBD again for a long time.

(To disambiguate from the video, the experience had nothing to do with physical violence or self-harm)

Over the past half a year or so, I've been experimenting with CBD for improving sleep.

The way CBD works on me is a bit different than melatonin, the effect seems to be more in sleep maintenance, rather than just falling asleep. I have trouble with sleep maintenance if I:

1) Did not expose myself to narrative content (animation, TV shows, manga, personal adventures) during the day, and: 2) Did not do at least one short intense burst of cardio the day before

CBD straight up removes the need for both of these for me, and I usually have no trouble sleeping through the entire night. This saves about 45 minutes a day, which is really huge.

As another benefit, I feel like I passive enjoy music more in the past few months, and I think CBD might have had an ambient effect on this. I listen to music a lot, and the passive affect bonus this gives is pretty significant.

However, I think there are issues with continuous usage. Recently I've been decreasing my doses of CBD, and despite this I'm feeling several side-effects (with very, very slow onset over the course of a month or two): – Increase in brain fog – Worse sense of time – More easily distracted – Less inclination to follow routines

One of the things I enjoy the most is quiet thinking time when I can organize the events of the past few days & weeks; the brain fog makes it harder to do this. The distraction & routine hit is also something I believe will culminate to longer than 45 mins per day of penalty. This would be the case even if those 45 minutes were completely wasted, which I believe cardio and watching shows are actually very-much non-wasted time.

The above makes a pretty convincing statement that I should stop CBD, though one of the effects that I might be the saddest to let go is exactly how much I've enjoyed music on it.

I think CBD basically amplifies music for me, and I had a recent peak experience with music where I was moved to tears and felt personally transformed by a track, I think CBD probably did help facilitate it. Nowadays most of the music I listen to are quite positive and prosocial, so I think the amplified affects are very positive and prosocial.

It's ironic, but I do find my appreciation of music sometimes to counter my productivity. Like I'd work and get distracted by a song that hits particularly hard, or I'll have days where I feel compelled to just listen to music and bask in the vibes instead of doing whatever intellectual work. Those are some of the most fun moments for me, there does need to be a balance though.

In The Birth of Tragedy Nietzsche outlined Apollonian aesthetics and Dionysian aesthetics, where the prior focused on rational, sharp-edged, elegant beauty whereas the latter focused on passionate, impressionistic, and melding beauty. I think about the difference between these two a lot, and believe that there should be a balance between the two types to continue to motivate both progress & enjoyment in life. What CBD offered me in the realm of music feels like watching a particularly striking sunset. It's great to be there in the moment and immerse yourself in its alluring beauty. But part of the value is that the sun will eventually set and we will find ourselves moving about, making progress on our dreams to build a more beautiful tomorrow.

— Categorized under: #psychology, #productivity