zushi's place

Had a hangout with a friend yesterday that went below expectations. Thinking about why today.

One of the things I want to calibrate on myself is whether people who go to hangouts are more interested in entertainment or conversations. My experiences along this realm actually surprise me quite a lot. I used to think that I'm on about the 80th percentile for interest in deep conversations over entertainment, but based on my interactions I might adjust this to be more like 98%. Which is to say that what I perceive as a good balance between entertainment/introspection are way too much introspection for most people.

As another factor, I think people are more open to introspection at some times, but your have to read that signal correctly. A person who's tired is less open to introspection and more open to high-energy experiences.

introspection <–> chill <–> entertainment consumption <–> adventure are all valid and different modes that you should be able to recognize and transition seamlessly in and out of. I'm pretty bad at reading these signals and should vibe better.

There may also be a point when people get tired, read this correctly and end the hangout right there. Overdraining the hangout is really bad.

Another thought: what if the person you are hanging out with doesn't play along with the prompts you give out? I think to a certain degree you need to be able to fully have fun on your own (and this is something I'm still working on) to be happy in most situations. This requires a pretty high bar for positivity and sense of humor that I'm still cultivating.

An important part of the sense of humor is prolonging the bit. I think in that particular interaction, there were many opportunities I had to prolong the bit but didn't notice them before they passed. Jokes are rarely hilarious just on their own – a large amount of context needs to be construction. I think that for this reason, I should learn to pursue the bit in an improvisational fashion and see where it goes.

Epilogue:

For some reason I always feel bad when a hangout doesn't turn out well! But I do pretty much feel better after a day, and I found that living by a community, it usually happens faster (otherwise, maybe a day and a half). I should keep in mind that anytime I feel bad, I usually feel better after a day anyways. I feel lucky in that my mood setpoint is decently high right now.

Part of it too is that I wonder how much am I responsible for the results on a hangout? This one isn't a date, but certainly in a dating context people assume that you are solely responsible for the outcome. I think it's slightly unfair, but I don't think that that's awful either, since cultivating fun vibes I'm trying to learn how to better do anyways.

So in summary: – Lean towards entertainment/external-experiences by default – Extend the bit – Observe their signals, maybe even ask directly what they feel like doing. – End at a good point – Cultivate fun on my own – Don't feel bad, you'll feel better after a day anyways.

That's it for today. Until next time!!

— Categorized under: #interactions